It's morning

Good morning ladies gentlemen and those who do not subscribe to the gender binary.

(Gender is made up yo, as are all things, this is Fred coming to you early in the morning with that sweet existentialism)

On today’s show we have, tbh I don’t know, 8i am kinda of writing this at the same time as playing Pokemon Go ngl. So we will see what happens

Anyway here is Smashleigh Flerner with her take on celebrity news…

Smashleigh: I am not a Cardi B fan by any means but I can’t help but be worried about her. I know it is not my right to diagnose anyone but I grew up around people on the spectrum and to me it really seems like she is on the spectrum and I just really feel like she is vulnerable and being taken advantage of by her management or something. I feel like someon is profiting off her ‘aggresion’ or it has been crafted into a sellable persona, but also she seems to really want to do right by her kid and I just worry about her the same way I do my sister because they get angry in the same kind of way but I think there is some unseen goading I just hope there are good people around her, it would be too easy for people tear her down and the whole Nicki thing well I lost respect for her after she started hanging with known pedophiles and giving them money so

Fred: Jesus Christ hun we wanted news not that bullshit! Fucking hell how could you possibly have any idea what it is like to be Cardi B damn.

Shit. So next up we have our debate topic with mother and daughter Hyde and Ash.

Welcome ladies so today we are asking is it ever ok to hit your kids?

Ash?

Ash: No

Hyde?

Hyde: No

Ash: you hit me?

Hyde: No I didn’t

Ash: yes you did, you slapped me, threw things at me, you bit me once to show me that I shouldn’t have bitten you when you wouldn’t let go of my arm.

Hyde: I didn’t do those things

Ash: yes you fucking did!

Hyde: I don’t remember doing them

Ash: oh I guess you are in the clear then

(During this bit, Hyde’s appearance keeps changing kinda like those suits from a scanner darkly and ash’s face gets redder, voice gets higher pitched and eyes roll back into her head with the struggle to not cry)

Fred: well, um yea. Don’t hit ur kids guys.

Now the holiday season is now well upon us and I hope you have all put yourself in debt to get thoughtful presents for people who don’t love you because we aren’t doing gift recommendations today, but tips for surviving your family this Christmas.

Tip one move to Israel or somewhere they don’t celebrate Christmas

2. be that one weird cousin who complete runs away with a cult or religion that doesn’t acknowledge Christmas.

3. kill your whole family

4. kill yourself.

5. my personal favourite don’t go home just drink so much and do enough drugs on xmas ve that you sleep through Christmas

Halloween is better anyway

Now it is not just family that can make the Christmas period unpleasant but also other people who get on with their families. Tips for dealing with these people are as follows

Overshare about your familial trauma until they are too uncomfortable to be around you

Froth at the mouth and chant from the bible backwards and roll your eyes back into your head

Kill them

Tell them all family is performative and that if they did something their family didn’t like not matter what mummy or daddy says they will love them less

Tell them they are enthusiastically supporting a capitalist activity that profits of the death and pain and slave labour of fellow man

Make sure they know that a large percentage of their gifts will be the result of animal/human death/suffering

This should work

Christmas is pretty but it is also fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucked.

Meet us back here after the break for our cooking segment

(Christmas ad for shopping center, lots of families)

Fred: was that irony? Satire? Ooh how meta. God I hate myself. Anyway here is Bedilia in the kitchen WHERE WOMEN SHOULD BE psyche I am a feminist, yea I know right.

Bedilia..

B: hello my adorable little pet names today we are going to be making chicken and mushroom pit noodle with my own secret ingredient extra soy sauce.

Now you will need, a kettle, a fork, water and some extra soy sauce.

First you boil the kettle. Then you pour the water to the line. Then you wait a couple minutes.

Now whilst I am waiting I like to stare mournfully out the kitchen window and petend I am talking to my husband until a neighbour notices then I get embarrassed and remember what I am suppose to be doing

Now it is time to kind of mix the semi soft noodles and then leave for another two minutes unless of course you prefer al dente pot noodles which is abhorrent to me

Now here we have one I made earlier and it is ready to have the little sachet of brown water they call soy sauce to the pot noodle, this will make no difference to nything but we do it anyway, then we add about half a bottle of real soy sauce to the pot bevause I am a salty bitch and your pot noodle is ready to eat. Don’t wait too long for it to cool down because it will become a pot sludge.

Fred: thanks Bedelia. Next up we have our competition

Got to therapy for the chance to win a better understanding of yourself

Right now that is done we have an interview with Dolores Butt

Hello Dolores welcome to the show, may I say you look adorable today

D: you may and may I say I look adorable everyday.

F: ok hun chill, now we have you on the show today to talk about your new saved collection on Instagram is that right?

D: well actually there’s two

F:oh how exciting tell us more

D: well the first one is kind of an old one that I have rebranded, it was called ‘basic ass looking white dudes’ but I have recently renamed it ‘hyper-fixation station’

F: wow

D: you see I am more ashamed of my heterosexual-ish feelings than my queer ones for a reason I have yet to discover and so when I find a guy attractive it fucks me up and I get obsessive

F: I see, so who is currently in yout hyper fixation station collection

D: well it is currently stocked with a shit tonne of Keanu reeves.

F: you are ashamed of being attracted to Keanu Reeves?

D: idk I think I am ashamed of ever being attracted to any man, probably because as a fat kid it was always a joke with the boys for them to say I fancied them because who would want the affection of the fat girl, it is also probably trauma related though.

F:You think Keanu Reeves is a rapist?

D: did I fucking say that?

F: hey calm down I was just asking

D: No, but after excessive internet stalking I found out he used to hang out with the red hot chili peppers and I know Anthony kiedis has sex with a 14 y/o which make shim a rapist so even a guy as chill as Keanu seems is probably friends with a rapist and I just don’t believe any man isn’t friends with a rapist or someone who expresses violence or ambivalence towards violence against women and knows this about their friend but still is friends with them. It is not about Keanu Reeves, it is about my fear of men in general.

F: shit I see, so uh lets get onto the other collection you said there was a second one?

D: yes, the second one is called ‘me crying over mopi’, mopi meaning the movie ‘My own Private Idaho’

F: a Keanu reeves movie?

D: yes, I recently watched that movie as part of my ew hyper fixation and I fell in love with it, I think it is beautiful and sad and river phoenix really desereves the reverence he gets. It makes me sad.

F: favourite movie?

D: absolutely knocked Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas off the top easily

F: you know it is also James Franco’s favourite movie?

D: fuck james franco

F: yea I agree he suck

Well thankyou for coming on our show delores it was a pleasure having you here

D: pleasure being here fred

And finally on todays show I will be showing you the hot new trends

Now as you can see I look pretty dapper but also slightly clownish is the very bright suit. Like bettlejuice but happy is what I am trying to go for. Now I want to show you a more casual outfit.

(fred undresses, he has a woman’s physicality but he is male)

(undressing is a struggle)

(fred pulls on some boxers, you can see it is painful for him)

Now these are hella comfy and also purple so what is not to love right? Micro midal the same stuff that those fancy subscription pants are but they don’t go up to fat sizes because remember folks fat pople don’t deserve clothes or anything for that matter

(fred puts on new calvin klein socks still struggling to move and with balance)

Now I love these they are smart ad they never come off in the shoe

(fred struggles to pull on trousers, not because of size because of pain, he tries a couple times, he starts to tear up in frustration, he gives up, sits of the floor with calves still in trousers and just sobs for five whole minutes until the show ends)

(rol credits)